[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, June 30th, 2004|
|A Good Cry
It's wierd -- I'm having my first depression in a long time -- nothing serious -- I'll be fine tomorrow -- but I came home this evening and couldn't find anyhting to do to interest me -- which lately has not been a problem at all. So I watched TV -- Everybody Loves Raymond -- I've only watched TV three times in the more than two months since Matthew left. And now I'm getting ready to get into bed and read.
I had a date Sunday -- the guy from contra -- Mark -- had a good time but then last night when I got to the contra dance and saw him there didn't feel the same way about him -- it was seeing him in comparison to everyone else, there were other people that I was interested in -- and I started to feel bad because I guess I felt like I owed Mark some loyalty -- of course this was not spelled out but feels implicit -- but I have made it clear to Mark that I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm dealing with a lot of baggage etc. But I can tell he would be game to get real serious and I feel guilt that it is not actually my baggage that is interfering -- it's just that there are other people that attract me more. But I will deal with it.
I danced with this other guy Doug who I got a really good feeling from -- I just really liked him and enjoyed dancing with him and told him so. And he said he enjoyed dancing with me too. I loved the way I felt in his arms -- I danced closer to him on the "swing your partner" than I did anyone else and I liked it. He seems very quiet but I get such a good feeling from him. But my gosh the idea that the problem has become dealing with too many interests is in itself refreshing.
And then the other part of this depression sense -- or maybe the most of it -- is anger at Matthew and the rehearsing or repeating in my head of yelling and screaming at him -- I am so mad at him -- but it is irrational because I do not want him -- the thing hedid was leave me but I certain;y don't want to reverse that -- so the anger seems irrational -- I don't want him back -- I'm just so angry about him lying to me. He is going to Russia -- or maybe is there right now -- maybe it's that -- yes it must be -- just imagining him with her -- I just want to kill him -- and by fighting with him on Friday I think I have given him the edge -- now he thinks I am in the wrong and I don't know what I want him to do -- there's nothing he can do to make it right - I don't know what I want from him. He didn't write back after two letters I wrote him after our fight telling him I am not done with this whole thing -- do not have closure -- it all happened too quick -- and he went off to Russia and didn't write me back or call me. It feels like he is mad with me -- why is he mad at me? I wish I didn't care. I dream about it at night. I am so angry. I've been so together and I've been fine -- but then I get these little spells where it hits me -- I'm not wondering why -- I'm surprised I've been as fine as I have been.
I had been thinking earlier today about decreasing my Lexapro back down to 10 mg from 15, I guess not. Well at least I have therapy in the morning.
Well time to get into bed with David Sedaris.
|Sunday, June 27th, 2004|
|A Happy Man
Sent: Sunday, June 27, 2004 10:41 PM
Thank you, Mabeline, for being you. I felt all day today that I was with a real person, who of course has real issues, and has found herself in unfamiliar waters, but at no time did I pick up any pretense or hesitancy in saying what you thought or felt. And you have no idea how refreshing that is like a soft breeze through that Gardenia bush today. I am glad we were able to find out a little more about each other... and even though I am sure we are different in many of your approaches... I did feel a kindred spirit. And last but not least... your kiss... was ... indescribably delicious .... I am a happy man ... no need to lie about it. Hope your next two days go well ... and I will find you in my arms at the contra dance. And I am using all my powers not to project into the future, and not to make any assumptions ... but my HOPE-A-METER is registering in the higher numbers. I will go as slow as possible ... and give you lots of space to breathe, but when you want to breathe close to me ... you are very welcome.
Yours truly, Mark
Enclosed is a picture of my pond ... Enjoy.
|What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine
I told you I would tell you about Matthew and the computer damage, as well as the guy who was calling me.
So Matthew had taken his computer back on Wednesday after we signed the divorce papers and returned my computer to me. It is mine because I paid for it, but actually it was a computer that he chose and ordered. It had become "his" and his old one became "mine" and mine -- an even older one -- went upstairs to become the kids'. I put all the quotation marks because this was in terms of usage -- he used the newest and I used the older one -- but in terms of who paid for which one -- he always acknowledged that I paid for the newest one and it was mine, despite his deep affection for it.
But when he moved out he took it. Mine. He said if we worked things out and he moved back, he would bring it back, or if we decided to divorce, he would bring it back and get his old one. His. I protested some at the time, but he said he needed it so he could have TV in his apartment, then he took two TV's with him too. So when we made a definitive decision to divorce a couple weeks ago, I asked him to bring it back, and he hemmed and hawed, but agreed to do it. Said he needed to get his software off it. Later I put it together that probably he had to deep clean the computer of his emails to Natalie and possibly other activities that he didn't tell me about.
OK so also in that conversation when he agreed to bring it back, I told him about the virus that hit his computer that he had left here. And I told him I thought maybe he could fix it, but if he couldn't, to let me know, and I would pay for whatever it took to get it fixed. But I think I was expecting that he could fix it, because he had done all kinds of things with computers before. So then Friday I emailed him and asked him to return a zip drive of mine that I needed back and we both forgot about on Wednesday. And I also asked him for my luggage back. So he shot me back an email saying that he thought we had agreed to split the luggage, and that I better be careful who I let use my computer in the future otherwise the one I have now will be trashed too. He didn't ask me to pay for it, he just made what I took to be that comment which I took to be sarcastic or insincere. So I wrote him and told him that he had chosen to leave his computer behind and that I had not wanted it, so basically that was what he got. In the heat of the moment -- and the absense of a request for me to foot the bill as I had agreed -- I completely forgot that I had offered to pay if he couldn't fix it. His comment had just got under my skin and I reacted. So anyhow he wound up calling me -- and I was on the way to the movies to meet everyone -- and we started in to perhaps my only really un-gracious moment in this whole split up.
In this phone call he reminded me that I said I would pay for it if he couldn't fix it, and it took me a minute of denying it before I realized -- and admitted to him -- that this was true. Of course this didn't leave me on very good ground to argue that I don't think I told him he could have half the luggage. But by this time I was so much in old brain that I couldn't bring mself to agree to pay for it as I had agreed to -- I told him that I thought his email to me seemed hostile and bitter like he was mad at me over the damage -- mad at me prior to my refusing to pay for it -- and he said yes he was mad about it because his computer was completely trashed and how would I feel if he told me he would take care of my luggage and then he returned it full of holes -- I wound up yelling at him that I never asked for his fucking computer and I never told him I would take care of it and he left it at his own risk and then that he ought to be happy that I didn't sue him for adultery and I gave him his nasty little Guam divorce instead of making him wait a year like everyone else in this state so he can bring over his mail-order bride who wants her green card so badly.
So you can see it disintegrated into some unuseful and ineffective discourse. I eventually figured out that we were wrangling over stupid stuff and it wasn't about who should get what or pay for what but more that I was so hurt that he had the gaul to be mad at me over the computer virus when I had really been more than fair to him and that I had not been vindictive. And so he said he had tried to thank me on Wednesday when we signed the papers -- tried to but didn't because I was inaccessible -- sound familiar? But he did stop himself and slow down and say yes, "You have been fair to me, and I do want to thank you for not being vindictive" and then of course I had to hammer it home, and say, "more fair than you deserve?" and he said yes, but I think at that point he was just trying to get off the phone.
Oh gosh it's getting late and I have written another ridiulously long email, and so I won't be able to get to my DATE that I had today with the contra dancing guy, Mark, in this email. I gotta go to bed because I've got to get to bed so I can get up early to take Marie to the bus for basketball camp. But I will write again soon, if you can stand it.
|Saturday, June 26th, 2004|
When I realized he cannot read his email because he is not at the office over the weekend, and his home computer is not working, I printed out the email (see entry below), wrote a note to go with it, and put it in the mailbox:
06-26-04 10:00 p.m.
I couldn't figure out what or where the plastic panel is that you want -- there is nothing over the hole where the zip drive came out of the other computer -- my old one that you put in Marie's room on Wednesday -- just let me know where you need for me to look for it -- or if I am home when you come by to pick this up -- you can look yourself.
Here's a printout of the email I wrote to you last night (enclosed). I am giving it to you because it is important to me to sort of go back and "re-do" that phone conversation of saturday night because neither one of us I think was in very good form. So forgive me if this is repetitive -- hopefully if it says the same things it says them in a better way. I am not trying to hammer you -- I felt like I was pretty demanding in that phone conversation -- I am continuing to communicate with you about this because I haven't finished this obviously -- I thought I had -- I know I may be pissing you off by not leaving you alone -- and I am not even clear on what it is I am asking for and what I want -- let me see if I can work that out:
You have said you would return the luggage after July 10. Thank you.
What do you think is fair regarding the lawyers fees and the computer damage? Call it an even trade? You owe me money? I owe you money?
If you would like me to pay the cost of the computer damage, I will do it. I did say I would. I remember now saying that I would. I do not remember syaing you could keep the luggage, but if I said you could keep it, if you want it, you should keep it.
* * *
There's something in me that kicks into a very primitive brainform at times about our breakup, and when it does, I do not seem to retain information accurately, among other problems.
I was being so distant on Wednesday when we were signing the papers at the bank because I was trying to keep from crying. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why not, who cares of I cry at the bank or in front of you? But I did that day, felt like it was giving something up to you, not sure why.
Also in addition to the zip drive I also need my luggage back -- please let me know when you can bring it by -- this weekend would work. Also do you have my Little Playmate cooler? And your big blue cooler is still on my front porch
The luggage I thought we agreed that we would split? We talked about this on the Sunday before I moved ....if you dont agree I still need it until the 10th of July....the zip drive will have to be on sunday... I also have the remote and the power cord for that computer I found these when I went to install my computer ...which btw is totally messed up I tried to reformat it to new condition but am still unable to do so...I would recommend that you be careful of whom you let use your computer you have now or this also will probably become trash.
I know that you said that you wanted to keep that half of the luggage but I did not agree to that I just didn't argue about it. I would like it back, and actually I would like it back before July 10 because I am leaving for my vacation possibly as early as the 9th because we are stopping in DC and NY/NJ for a few days to visit friends on the way up to the Cape.
I am sorry about the computer -- it was not deliberate on my part or the kids. It is one of the hazards of use by teenagers, or maybe by use by someone as computer illiterate as I am -- because I do not know whether it was something I did or one of them. You took a risk leaving it for us to use instead of the one you took. However I do not mean to say this in a "ha-ha you deserve it" kind of way because it was unintentional and I wish it had not happened. But your comments sound to me as if you are angry at me and bitter about it, and I am not going to take that on. I am not going to take responsibility for damaging something of yours when I did not want it left behind in the first place. If the damage had happened when we were a family I would have helped in any way I could to fix or replace it, because then it was "ours" not "yours" just as the other one was "ours" not "mine."
I have spent a lot of money that I never intended to spend due to this divorce -- more than the $1100 that you said the Guam divorce that you wanted was costing you --- I told you I wanted you to pay for my lawyer's fees and you said you didn't want to. I let that go. Please let go of the computer damage and the luggage.
Then I wrote to Rollo:
Hope you had a good trip back. It is Friday evening and in a few minutes I'm going to meet everyone at the movies to see Fahrenheit 9/11. I am so tired -- even though I'm psyched to go out and about the movie -- I'm just glad it's a movie not something more active -- because I have been out every night this week. A first for me, I think, five weeknights in a row. Last night I went with Ruth to a party across the street from her house and met a bunch of kayaking people as well as young (and several sinlge) professors from the university -- here's the different things they teach: chemistry, children's theatre, communication, ethnomusicology, music theory, architecture, and maybe something else. Very cool, bright bunch of people.
I am developing an understanding and intervention for my social anxiety. If I go to something where I feel intimidated or nervous or self conscious but nevertheless am interested and excited about the setting / people -- the first half of the event will be awkward and difficult but if I stick it out the second half is usually rocking. This happened Tuesday night at contra dancing and then at this party. First half I spent thinking "I wish I hadn't come" and "nobody's going to like me" or some variation on those themes, and I might feel tired, or wierdly last night, got a neck ache, and had a great desire to not be standing -- which was not an option until later when the hostess brought out some chairs. But I did stick it out and both times the second half was remarkably fun and I don't know if it's because that's the nature of social functions, that everyone's a little more timid -- or less drunk -- at the beginning, or whether it's just me -- and if it is just me, is part of it about knowing that the end is sooner? Except that I can leave any time, but not really, because then I get anxious about what will people think of me if I leave early.
Anyhow I gotta go, but I will write again soon to tell you Matthew's reaction to his computer being shot to hell... And the guy from contra dancing who is emailing and calling me...
Then Matthew called me while I was driving to the movie. When I got home I wrote him again:
Our conversation this evening was not great, not as I wanted things to go. I realize after thinking about it all that I am very disjointed about what I remember about what I said about agreements we made about things like luggage or whether you said you are sorry and so forth. I realize only when you tell me that I did say things like I will pay for the computer to be fixed that you are right there are things that I have said that I now do not agree with. I know that on the surface this seems unfair, but on a deeper level it is 1) me being unclear myself about a lot of this whole thing and changing my mind as my feelings change, 2) about fairness for me, 3) a discovery on my part this evening that I am not as done with this process as I thought myself to be.
I thought I could get closure without your participation, but now I'm not so sure. I think this whole separation & divorce process has happened so quickly and with so little dialogue between us, and for some reason I thoguht that after signing the divorce papers, it would be over for me, but what I learned about myself tonight on the phone with you is that apparantly I had a lot of unfinished business under the surface. It just broke thru when I got the email from you that seemed to be indirectly expressing hostility toward me about the computer damage, rather than just coming out and saying how you felt or what you wanted. And when that happened I didn't say to myself, well I'll go back on my word, instead it was just this gut reaction to the idea of handing you a check -- when I pictured myself handing over $300-400 to you I had this strong reaction of why would I do that -- just this self-protective thing that doesn't kick in sometimes but did at that moment -- why am I giving more to him? The thought of it makes me feel more used, more like I've been taken, than I already feel.
So my reaction wasn't actually rational -- I couldn't at first put it into words but I knew while we were fighting about it that it wasn't just about the fees and the luggage and the computer, but I wasn't able until the end of the conversation to explain what it was really about, and then when I did get to it, I didn't say it in a real graceful way. I was in the jam-packed lobby of the movie theatre meeitng a bunch of friends, and at that point I could not think straight, but at the same time I was able to think clearly about one thing which is my desire to be appreciated for something that I have worked very hard to do which is to be fair and not vengeful.
I will look for the stuff in the mailbox on Sunday and tomorrow I will take a look at the plastic panel that you need.